Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Someone once called me that. In hindsight, I am not so gifted with words; I am more comfortable at feeling emotions as they play out, and sensing them in other people. Sometimes I get moments of clarity when everything seems to be clear but for the briefest of moments; some might refer to it as an epiphany. When this happens I try to get it down in writing. Without further ado, my emotions, given the written form.

Fanaticism – A fool the other day once told me that religion was a place we could find common ground. I laughed cynically in my heart, for he had yet to realize that religion was what divided us most from each other. It makes us kill in the name of God, and excuses atrocities that even the most cold-hearted daemon would look away from. It is in our zealotry that we commit our foulest acts. The ones who question will always be offered a measure of protection for their minds against this.

Freedom  – To say that we are all free to choose God is a hilarity of the highest order. Free will is not the choice between fluffy white clouds and everlasting torment. That is blackmail. That is fear-mongering. That is bullshit. No God worth his salt would even make such an offer except to cow weak-willed sheep into his fold. And what good are followers like those?

Folly – To ask a question is to expect an answer. But the power of asking is not in the answer, it is in the question. For doubt is the father of such utterances, and self-realization is the fruit of his loins. If one were to never have doubt, one was already lost. To have doubt is to know that there is a chance that you might be wrong. And you almost always are.

Frail – The knowledge we are easily malleable and broken when we allow ourselves to be. The fear that we have no control over this process. The foolishness that stems from giving control of who we are to another person who has no idea how to shape you as well as yourself.


In the end, I wrote something that felt far removed from my original intention. Conversations can do that to you.


You Are Just A Manimal.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

So here we are again, at the nexus point of many planes of thoughts, and ideas, notions, preconceptions. We have a different understanding of the laws and religions of mankind, the reason for them, and the effects of such novel concepts as ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. We need to make big decisions soon and we need to examine ourselves and our friends, as well as strangers and acquaintances. Their actions betray their intentions louder than their mouths could ever scream, and yet they persist in denying it.

Does it make you angry to be caught in a lie?

It is an empty world, but it saps strength to just acknowledge that. And many do not. Because they fear they are nothing special.

Pop Them Bottles and Drink Them Up

Saturday, May 16, 2009

There is a surprising state of lucidity present when you are at a particularly exact stage of drunkenness. It abstracts higher thinking processes and makes things ‘simpler’, so to speak. It loosens your tongue, and with that allows you to verbalize what you think. When you do this with an instinctual desire as opposed to a controlled manner of expression your brain is able to work unfettered by impurities in thought.

I should start doing this more.

Either that, or I’m doing what every drunken person tends to think is a good idea (by having stupid ideas).

Universal Meaning

Friday, May 8, 2009

If we assume there is no God or supernatural force outside of ourselves, we are faced with the idea that morality is simply a sham of human behavioural code dressed up as a higher law. What then is the goal of such subterfuge? One might be a true believer in one’s cause. Sincere, but wrong. No shame in that. One might also seek to regulate the behaviour of people. But to what end? To produce the most monogamous way to live? People have differing ideas of what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’, but this is simply presenting a false dichotomy, when everything a person values or believes in is literally their own ‘way’ in life.

Morality then becomes the debate of satisfying the most number of people at any given situation.  A mass agreement of human values. That becomes a mess of a circumstance when the group that believes in ‘might makes right’ rules the world, no? Ah, but we are speaking of actions among humans. There is no objective right and wrong, since all these values simply deal with human-to-human interaction. The popular values simply become the only values, and all else is vilified.

If you look at language and its relation to morality, we find that it is used to convey intent. Our thoughts are more shallow emanations of our reactions to feelings, which are firstly made to be fit for use in accordance with our social culture, and then formed into words which are given flight. We dress up our base thoughts into a social art form known as ‘politeness’ or ‘appropriateness’. Words themselves are able to invoke feelings and reactions, so we find that skill at words to be a desirable social trait, as we navigate the ever-dangerous landscape of human communication.

Framed against the backdrop of a vast empty space, our morality and languages carry little weight other than amongst our own kind. We mill about like ants believing we are giants, and that ours is the universe. Depressing.

Higher Causes

Friday, March 27, 2009

Suicide bombers serve a higher cause: their god, their ideology, their people, their political party. Hard-working mothers serve a higher cause: their family’s financial and physical well-being. Volunteers serve a higher cause: they may not have the expertise, but they have the heart to help someone that cannot help themselves. That a cause is just or oppressive is irrelevant. It is the human ability to sacrifice self-needs and self-wants, wholly in the pursuit of a greater cause, that is of interest to me.

Awareness of one’s self-identity is a hard thing to give away. People have individual dreams, aspirations, and hopes. They also have fears, doubts, and prejudices. We see, live, and grow with our self-identity all our lives, and yet people can consciously choose to forget the worth of these ‘identities’ in order to further the agenda of a cause.

“Who are you, that we might know one who dared defy us / would champion our plight / might safeguard our family / etc?”

“I am an ordinary person.”

It takes a sober mind and strength of heart to forget yourself, especially if you have considered the options and found out that it was not the ‘profitable’ or the ‘popular’ thing to do, but the ‘right’ thing to do (even if it’s only right in their head). These people have thrown away their voices, that their cause is heard. If they act anonymously, and with competence, their cause is only strengthened.

For what would you live or die for if not for something you believed was bigger than yourself? What can move you so much you cannot help but be caught up in it, and realize, “This was what my life was for”?

When We Lie To Ourselves

Sunday, March 22, 2009

The true hypocrite is the one who ceases to perceive his deception, the one who lies with sincerity.

André Gide

We think of ourselves highly. And who wouldn’t, if not to give ourselves motivation to plow through life with our head held high? But we are inconsistent. We hold beliefs that we do not respect. At least in regards to our own actions. Okay, so we made a boo-boo, now what? We rationalize. We argue. There has to be another reason why things fucked up, and it wasn’t us. At least, not all of it. Our ego defense mechanisms rescue us so we don’t have to deal with the uncomfortable thought that we possibly may have not been as good as we thought. Cognitive dissonance. We still come out smelling like roses after our little debate in our head about what went wrong. And yet we expect reality to bend to how our little empty heads think it should be. We cannot fathom it: it made sense when we thought about it, so it had to be true.

We begin to believe our own bullshit.

Mind Storm

Saturday, March 14, 2009

When I watch a movie, or listen to a song, or read, I am sometimes struck by a particular concept, or emotion, or idea. This seed germinates in my mind, and sometimes gives rise to new derivatives of itself, different variants and versions of the former embryo, plumbing deep into my memory to retrieve older experiences. My brain is struck by a thousand revelations and recollections as it struggles to contain and interpret all the different things I have known or want to know. Concepts I have yet to explore. Emotions I have yet to understand. Ideas I have yet to grandiosely define. I am sometimes too disorganized to compartmentalize them, so I can study why they excite me so, yet experiencing them all together in the same breath makes me feel like I’ve discovered some sort of unified theory of my worldviews and values. It’s quite crazy to think you see everything at once in clear sight, and then at once it is plunged into smoke and mirrors again.

Nothing To Say

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Hypocrite: the man who murdered both his parents, then pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan.

-Abraham Lincoln

The human race never ceases to amaze me.

People Power

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I was talking with a friend today, and I realized that for the longest time, my confidence was a wreck, deliberately masked in layers of sarcasm or indifference. Someone once said that when I step outside my door, I put on a persona that is wholly different from the one when I’m with her. I found it intriguing at the time, but I didn’t realize how close to the truth it was. Generally, my emotions could be easily manipulated if you were smart enough, beautiful enough, or strong enough. I would compromise my own values to appease yours, and I had a rather cynical view of the outside world.

There is no revelation like realizing my value as a human being had been entwined with the opinions of those around me.

And I came to realize, at long last, that it wasn’t doing me any favours. People can see through personas, or they can at least feel something is amiss. I told my friend that I would endeavour to be less affected by other peoples’ perceptions of me, and work more on redefining a core frame that shapes my outward view of reality. After all, no one is better at being you than you, so why settle for being a mediocre you, tossed about by the expectations and views of others?

These few weeks have sometimes been learning experiences that leave me speechless. I find myself in the mirror, faced with uncomfortable facts about myself and the way I view people. But I do not deny it, nor do I make an excuse for being that way. It is unacceptable to me and my values, and that is reason enough for me to embrace it and change, regardless of political correctness or the social lies we tell ourselves.

State of Mind

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

There is something satisfying about going out and talking to people. Just being able to freely talk with no awkwardness. When you’re in the lift and speaking to the old lady who is having lunch on a burning summer’s day. Bitching about the mercurial weather to a fellow pedestrian. When you hear your favourite music in your head as you catch the eye of a girl or five. Snap along with the street musician and he gives you the biggest toothy grin you’ve ever seen. Flip him a golden coin for his jazzy tunes. Thumbs up to the newspaper guy as you tell him you’re a big fan. Yakking with a buddy for two hours non-stop and back-to-back. A state of mind, smooth as honey, light as a feather, free as the sky.

This is who I am, this is what I do. Welcome to my world.